


Privileges, of Knowing You

by Findarato



Series: Encounters [7]
Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Emotional Porn, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-22 06:23:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6068557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Findarato/pseuds/Findarato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[hakusecretsanta 2015 fill] <i>Yesterday, he was in agony. Today, he's in a perfect moment of bliss. Tomorrow, the bloodlust might start; he might experience the nightmare over and over. However, he will still be reminded of why he carries through, and what mattered more than physical or even emotional pains.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Privileges, of Knowing You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [a-beru](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=a-beru).



> **Disclaimer:** Hakuouki is copyrighted to IF/DF  
>  **Spoilers:** Saitou's route  
>  **Timeframe:** Right after Saitou becomes rasetsu
> 
>  **Dedication:** This work is for _a-beru_ ; I'm one of the people filling unfilled requests from hakusecretsanta. I AM SORRY THIS IS SO LATE; January was a weird month. And then Feb was katsucon, and then I got sick…etc etc. I was sitting on this for a bit, knowing what I wanted to write but couldn't. However it's finally been finished and I hope you enjoy it!
> 
>  **A/N:** this fic technically fits into the Encounters series, but I want to stick a few more fics between the okisai one and this one, so it's not added into it yet.

**_Privileges, of Knowing You_ **

They come back covered in blood. It's practically expected; if it's not their blood, it's someone else's. Saitou nearly always comes back covered in someone else's blood; it sticks to his face, hair, clothes…weapons… it's a way of life for the Shinsengumi.

Even now, they assume it's someone else's, but he knows. All this, head to toe, is his. Funny how after announcing that he drank the ochimizu, no one thought to ask what circumstances were. They simply assumed he had some difficult fighting, and that was it. Which is true, but the facts are that he had been so close to fully losing, close to dying. He was basically choking on his own blood at some point because of a punctured lung.

Somehow it all hurt less than drinking ochimizu. If not for sheer will and the goals in front of him, he might've even forgotten who he was.

At this point, there's now three of them who've taken ochimizu. Sannan, Heisuke…him. He has no plans to join the Rasetsu Corps; no one was around to see him transform. He's going to continue as Third Division Captain unless otherwise told. He's relieved no one makes a fuss; people looked dismayed but resigned. Yukimura Chizuru was the one who had been most affected, guilty even. But he knows he made this choice for himself, seeing how there was no other way. Either he'd be dead, or Chizuru would be in a worse situation like married against her will.

After he's given his report, he excuses him. He considers, briefly, talking to someone, but instead he goes to clean himself up. He doesn't like the smell of his own blood, nor the feel of it. His very sleeves are red; he's not even sure he can get the uniform back to it's original colour at this point. Not to mention the state of his scarf—it might as well be thrown away.

Small prices to be paid, for they all paled in comparison to the fact he signed his life over that of being rasetsu. He feels normal for now; the sun made him ache some, but it wasn't unbearable. He hasn't started wanting blood either, so that's a good sign. It'd be foolish to assume this would last forever, of course. Even as he's upending a bucket of water over his head, he's planning, thinking.

What he doesn't expect is seeing Hijikata, when he's done and carrying all the dirty clothes. He nearly walked into him, actually.

"Fukuchou." He bows his head slightly, and notes his hair is dripping wet, so he hurriedly ties it back. "Did you have some business with me?"

"I was thinking about something." The tone of his voice is low, steely, and threatens to crescendo into yelling.

"Something?"

"Where did you get the ochimizu? I talked to Sannan-san; he said he didn't give you a bottle of that stuff. I doubt you found it simply lying around."

"It was offered to me."

"By who?"

He could easily lie, but where would that get him? "Kazama Chikage."

Hijikata's face goes through several expressions, none of which Saitou likes. Eventually, Hijikata settles on narrowed brows and eyes, and an even lower voice. "Why."

"He was in our way, and I was forced to engage. He threatened Yukimura, and I saw I had no chance of winning unless I became a rasetsu."

"And did it help?"

"Some." He still might've dead, if not for the arrival of Amagiri. "I am alive."

"So you are. But Saitou—" Hijikata says his name like it burns him. "He might've given you poison. Or what if it's a different ochimizu, with different effects? Didn't you think about that?"

He did. Oh yes, in the brief seconds, he had time to think. Death by bleeding, or poison, or from getting maimed, or a doomed life from a water that brought regeneration and speed and bloodlust.

"I had to make the choice, Fukuchou." He stands straight. "Because I still must serve the Shinsengumi."

" _Stop_ that." Hijikata shakes his head, sounding more distraught than angry now. "I've lost Sannan-san and Heisuke. Souji's too sick, and now you? Who's next—me? Shinpachi or Harada? Someone else? And Gen-san and Yamazaki too. Are all my men going to be either died or rasetsu?"

Saitou has no answer for that; he looks Hijikata in the eye, but doesn't back down. "I cannot apologise for this."

There is a pained look this time, one that says "I wish I could keep you from this." The look that Hijikata reserves for people closest to him.

It's the look that always puts Saitou to shame; there ought to be no place for this, for him. "I understand if you disapprove. However, I must stand by this decision. Otherwise," he exhales slowly, "I may not be here right now, and neither would Yukimura."

"I know." Hijikata draws closer. "I wish it hadn't been you, who was put into that position."

Ah. "It is an honour, to be thought so highly."

"It's not about honour, it's about respect. And…" A headshake. "You don't ever take the easy path, do you."

Can he even answer that?

Hijikata's eyes are oddly soft; not watery, but neither are they like steel anymore. More like pools, a spring. Something that hints of wistfulness. Is that fondness, too? A person could lose themselves in those eyes, when they weren't hidden in the oni-fukuchou act. Hijikata has the most determined, most telling eyes sometimes. You could read a life story in them, of hardship.

Funny how he's the one saying Saitou doesn't take the easy path, when neither did he.

The fact he's allowed to see this side of Hijikata every once in a while, it makes him lower his head. "I apologise if I have…disappointed you."

"No, I'm not disappointed. I'm—" Hijikata raises hand, and then lets it drop back to his side. "Worried."

"You needn't worry—"

"I'll worry when I want to." A hand snaps out and grabs his wrist. "This was not fine." Hijikata directs a look at his bloody clothes, underneath Saitou's arm.

"I will strive to be more careful."

"Maybe look out for yourself more. The problem isn't you being careless. The problem…is that you don't look out for yourself."

He starts to protest, but is cut off by Hijikata tilting his chin up. Hijikata might not be as tall as Sano, or even Souji, but he's still taller than Saitou.

"Saitou."

He savours how his name is said this time. "Yes?"

"Just how many injuries did you sustain?"

"Some," he hedges.

"So, many. It's Kazama _fucking_ Chikage, after all."

"He was a difficult opponent."

"Could've guessed. I'm sorry you had to deal with him."

"Better me than you."

"Could you not—!" Hijikata stops himself. "You'd put me to shame if you died before me."

"I would be ashamed to outlive you." It's unthinkable.

Maybe that's what people found frustrating about him—how he calmly replies. Unless he's speaking to someone of similar disposition…he can attain very interesting reactions. A lot of yelling. Hijikata hasn't yelled yet, but his voice has gone through various ranges, and right now it lingers on exasperation, mixed in with fondness.

He's not unaware, that he's highly trusted. Hijikata gives him certain missions, certain tasks, that only he carries out. He hears Saitou out, asks his opinions…

The troublesome thing about being in such a place is that Saito himself, also highly trusts Hijikata. Few men, few leaders that he has met—were this straight-forward and blunt. And yet beautiful in the way that nature is—wild trees grow just as well as cultivated ones, and both will flower in spring.

"My subordinates are too good for me." Hijikata shakes his head, bringing Saitou out of his thoughts. "Especially my captains." Even Souji is included in this.

"The excellency of the leader pushes us to do our best."

"You like to go above and beyond."

"I merely fulfil my duties."

"Sure you do, but I think you can afford to do less." He doesn't let Saitou protest. "The Shinsengumi isn't very fulfilling, is it."

 _It's the only life I know,_ he wants to say. "It's fulfilling to me."

"Even when you nearly die?"

"I lived through that."

"At what cost?"

He doesn't like seeing pain in Hijikata's gaze. Pain in regards to him. Pain, guilt, and responsibility. Hijikata has enough on his plate, as it is. "I will not lose control."

They both know it's a futile wish; sheer force of will can still break, under the right pressure.

When Hijikata places a hand on his shoulder, he almost gives a start.

"Come with me."

"…pardon?" He finds himself getting tugged, put in action by a hand he is familiar with. Insistent, it pulls, and somehow, they end in his room.

This is still preferable over yesterday's events, if not a bit confusing. He set aside the clothes that will have to wait until tomorrow, shuts the doors, lights the lamp, and sits across from Hijikata.

"I'm going to be forward," Hijikata begins, fingers drumming across his thigh as he crosses his legs.

"Yes."

"…this isn't too strange, I hope."

"No."

The silence drags; what was that about being forward? He also has…an idea about where this might be going. Somehow, he keeps his toes from fidgeting as he waits.

More silence; it's still not warm enough for crickets or cicadas, so all he hears outside is a light breeze and leaves and grass rustling, and some wood frames creaking. If he concentrates, he might be able to hear Hijikata breathing.

A few more seconds pass, before Hijikata leans forward, hair sliding away from shoulder, to grip his shoulders and kiss him.

If he hadn't been running thoughts through his head, he might've been more surprised. Hijikata doesn't go and sit in people's rooms without purpose. Either he's there to yell, to talk…and, Saitou supposes, even this. He will not speculate on Hijikata's affairs, but he _has_ thought about Hijikata in certain ways. This kiss, he lets it pass through him, to the tips of fingers and even toes, and it's like he can tell where all the pathways of blood run in his body. It's not even very long, but it's the beginning, even as Hijikata pulls back.

"Was that all right?"

 _Better than all right_. "It was all right." Whoever taught this man to kiss, Hijikata had been a good student. "Am I to assume—?" he lets the question hang.

"I'd explain, but this is faster."

Always fascinated, he watches Hijikata reached up and untying his hair, shaking it out like a dark curtain that fans out. It's practically blue, dark and rich against his cheek. Saitou feels obliged to loosen his own hair, but Hijikata is faster, pulling the binding on his hair so fast his scalp stings a little.

"You're okay with this, right?"

 _I will not refuse this_. "I am." He is suddenly conscious that he only wears one layer, having changed earlier.

He gets propositions from others, and he propositions, himself. But he'd never dream of offering to Hijikata, despite long-term jokes made by Souji. Did they assume it was some eventuality?

No, it's always been more complicated like that. Saitou watches everyone, but he most often watches Hijikata. He identifies the moods and conversations, and it has always been about serving him best. He never calls him by name, not directly. As far as he can tell, Hijikata has been disappointed by him.

He hopes.

If he had said no, just now, would that have elicited any offense? Somehow, he doesn't think so.

He draws in a breath and holds it, and raises his head. What Hijikata wants, he has no qualms about, but he is curious of the "why."

The hand dragging through his still damp hair, feels like a wind raking through it. A force. Saitou gives himself over to it, and decides he will eventually understand. Besides, he is reaching out his own hands, cautiously, to twirl strands between his fingers. Hijikata makes a sound, a low one that indicates positivity, and he suddenly shifts forward to pin Saitou to the floor.

 _I think you're giving me something, aren't you._ He doesn't speak this, merely looks up. His robe has fallen a little open, and his shoulder twitches when a finger drags across a collarbone.

Clothes matter very little in the next moment; these get tossed aside quickly and he has a vague thought he's going to have tatami marks on his back before he forgets about. Seeing Hijikata likes this makes him wish he knew art, knew how to memorise this on paper. But his mind serves him well enough, noting a figure usually hidden underneath fabric. Hijikata doesn't have broad shoulders; he's not built like Shinpachi. He has a little more than Souji; his limbs and fingers aren't as long. Proportions-wise, Hijikata is…perfect. Not that the others weren't either, but there's simply a beauty that makes him desirable. Small wonder so many women admired him.

Saitou does, too. He reaches out, to commit to the memory of touch. The heat of Hijikata's skin matches his, and he wonders if he shouldn't have…done something like this earlier.

Contrary to popular beliefs (Souji), he doesn't have a list. He doesn't cross off names. It's never been so much about curiosity, as it is intentions of reaching out. People talked at him and he listens well, and then he makes them speechless by taking off his clothes—

Or something.

"Stop thinking."

He halts; one of his hands is still somewhere in Hijikata's hair, the other becoming acquainted with a hipbone.

"I don't know what you're thinking, but you're way too concentrated on that." Hijikata palms the side of his face, the calluses on his fingers a nice contrast. "So stop that."

"Then…what should I be doing?" A ridiculous question.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" But he's not going to simply lie here and let Hijikata do all the work! How is that acceptable?

"I could order you to close your eyes."

_Oh, you could._

Hijikata continues. "But I don't feel like doing that." He simply clamps a hand down on one of Saitou's wrists. "Honestly, you don't have to overthink this. Just take it for what it is."

_For what it is?_

And then…he really ends up not thinking much, because it'd be rude to ignore the pace that Hijikata sets. He sets his teeth inside his cheek, head rolling back and forth a little. The hand that holds and steadies him, is the hand that unwinds and releases him. Of course, this all sounds poetic, but the truth is that his Vice Commander is getting him off and he's lying there and allowing it to happen.

Usually he's not so one-sided. Saitou wouldn't call himself seductive…not even flirtatious. He implies, and then he gets direct, and it seems like Hijikata is the same. They're so strangely courteous, even when Hijikata's weight presses against him and there are bite marks on his shoulder, and one probably on his throat. Hijikata pauses in between actions, brows drawn, not in distaste, but in concern.

This is first for him, that he doesn't reciprocate as much. It's dangerous, it's heady, but it's Hijikata and he cannot, will not, say no. Last night he was a mess, and this night, as well. But it's a completely different mess. Fighting and sex aren't all that different. There's weapons, words, and a work out. Some blood sometimes, and you might die from excitement. You left marks on each other, and usually, someone wins.

He's not sure who wins this. Is it Hijikata, getting to touch him like this and seeing him in this position. Or is it him, attaining attentions and pleasure, and having his senses all heightened? Or do they both win, because it's so rare that he sees Hijikata's eyes this close, to able to lean in and kiss him anytime he series, and running his hands over and over a body that in contact with his.

Maybe he does overthink, sometimes. Maybe he's too aware.

There still are differences between fighting and sex, but they're personal for him. Fighting does not give comfort. Killing doesn't give pleasure. For him, that's a job.

Sex is no job. It's something he considers the same level as watching shooting stars, or cherry-blossom viewing. It's a reward, a thing that he takes and gives at the right times. And sex with Hijikata feels satisfaction, like he has been measured and approved.

There are so many ways he could be used by Hijikata, and this is the method chosen.

This is why he serves.

Well it's not about getting to sleep with his leader, but it's. It's about that fact he gets trust with this. Was it performance-based? Or something else? Even now, he's not sure why Hijikata wants this, but he welcomes it. He welcomes getting stroked, getting his face half-buried to the floor, hearing and feeling the shaky breaths against his neck and how good it all feels when he is pushed into a high place and then sent flying. Or falling. The sensation of his soul probably leaving his body briefly so that he can't hold his own weight, and he returns to hearing sounds he didn't think he would ever hear from Hijikata.

Intimacy is a privilege. He refuses to share stories about people who he has slept with; it's out of respect. He will not compare, will not say who is better or worse. Honestly his only complaints are that Souji bites and scratches too much, and that Shinpachi when dead asleep on top of him is a little difficult to bear, or that Heisuke's hair itches and the whole curtain of it spreads everywhere. It doesn't make them less desirable, doesn't make him think less of them.

But he can't find complaints with Hijikata. Maybe that's his sense of loyalty speaking. Or maybe because Hijikata approached him first. He's trying not to think too much, because sometimes, it's good to close his eyes and simply enjoy it.

The moments afterward are quiet; he makes his bed, and Hijikata doesn't leave yet. He offers to brush out Hijikata's hair, and it's accepted.

Still, Saitou does have to ask the question.

"Fukuchou, about your reasons…" he begins, "I still don't understand."

Hijikata is looking at the lamp, and the flickering light casts interesting shadows over his face. "Of all the people to become rasetsu, I didn't expect you."

"If I had been better prepared—"

"It's hardly your fault. You were up against demons. They're not human, and they cheat. You're allowed to cheat death." Hijikata reaches his hand—his left hand. "You…you're good, Saitou. Really good. Too good. So can't I appreciate the things you do for the Shinsengumi, and for me?"

Whoever calls Hijikata cold-hearted is an idiot—he's never met a leader as Hijikata. Few people can even strike him like this, catch him off-guard.

He loves moments like these, even if he doesn't ever know how to react. He does so little, but he gives his all, and people who treated him like he meant something…humbles him.

Outwardly, he simply blushes, and stares at the floor. Sex doesn't fluster him, but sincere compliments or concern…they always would.

"I haven't said too much, have I?"

"No." They just slept with each other, and yet in their words they're so withheld and careful. How odd it all is.

"Good." Hijikata kisses his cheek this time, the pressure of his lips lingering. "I…had to be sure." There a catch in his voice, and suddenly it's very clear to Saitou.

_I gave you a shock when I gave everyone the news._

_You didn't want to lose me._

He could almost wish, even want, to feel guilty about being a rasetsu. Shame himself, if to ease what Hijikata is feeling. Was there ever a leader that treated his men this well, and accounts for all injuries and deaths? Yes, they did what must be done; they killed, they meted out punishments, and times called for a heavy hand. But Hijikata doesn't stand on a mountain of dead, ruling with a heavy hand.

The revelation wants him to get down on his knees and bow low, so that his forehead touches the floor, and pledge himself once again to Hijikata and the Shinsengumi. He settles for a kiss of his own instead, one that pulls them both down and feels like they've attained the best in the world, even though the situation outside these doors is a mess. At least his heart and mind aren't of the things that were messed up.

Yesterday, he was in agony. Today, he's in a perfect moment of bliss. Tomorrow, the bloodlust might start; he might experience the nightmare over and over. However, he will still be reminded of why he carries through, and what mattered more than physical or even emotional pains.

"Is it okay if I stay the night? I'll…well, you wake up earlier than anyone else, so…" Hijikata sounds sheepish, but he's not joking, about wanting to stay.

He meets Hijikata's eyes, oddly charmed by the question. "I don't mind."

It's the people that made him feel all right, and it goes to show that the people he chooses, and the people who choose him—they will never make him regret.

**.end.**

**Author's Note:**

> …honestly, one of the highlights of this fic was working the phrase "Kazama fucking Chikage" into it. I don't even dislike Kazama, per se, but he's the Shitlord of Hakuouki lol. And I am totally sure Hijikata has muttered it under his breath :P
> 
> This scenario was one I've wanted to write for a while; I've written Hijisai before, but in context of Hijikata's route. In Saitou's route, there's...slight differences of how it all plays out, but Hijikata and Saitou are still two very honest people who have such deep respect for each other. I am forever grateful to the fact Hakuouki has so many different routes because it gives me the chance to explore a particular relationship in different ways.
> 
> gods i love writing hijisai so much....


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